The other day I went into a party store to buy some helium balloons with helium in them. I wanted those balloons to float and I know that they don’t use hydrogen anymore because of that Doosinberg fiasco awhile back. As everybody knows hydrogen is very fiery if you light it. This is why nobody uses it for party balloons except in poor country’s where they don’t have the advantages we have in this great country. When they need to buy party balloons in those poor countries like you see on TV they probably have to go to some guy with these tall tanks of hydrogen he probably stole from somebody like they steal electricity or movies and resell them for cheap. So there’s this guy smoking and selling hydrogen to little kids who want party balloons. These people are just plain crazy if you ask me. I would tell that guy, “Hey put out that cigarette you idiot! What do you want to do blow us up like that Doosinberg or what?” But he would probably just shrug and sell me a couple of balloons anyway which I’d probably buy because they were really cheap. That’s probably the risk you take in those poor countries like that and so I guess it’s okay for them but not in a great country like this one.
So I went into this party shop to buy a couple of helium balloons for somebody’s birthday. And I was paying way too much for them for sure, not like those hydrogen balloons I would probably buy if I was in a poor country even from a guy who was smoking. Anyway, the person who was selling me those balloons said something that kind of weirded me out. She said they were running out of helium. And I thought that she meant their store was but she didn’t mean that. She said that everybody was running out of helium. I’m not kidding. This is the truth as much as religion is which is not something I like to be interrupted by. And I said, “What?” And she told me that the helium suppliers were not taking any new customers because they were running out of helium. I and said something like “Are you kidding?” or maybe it was “You’ve got to be kidding.” It’s pretty much the same thing in meaning except one is a question and the other is a kind of statement. Anyway, she said that it was true. We’re running out of helium.
That freaked me out. I thought helium was in the air. I even thought that there was more helium in the universe than anything except for hydrogen and Coke products. So what did she mean by that? I think she may have let this secret information just slip out on me. I have that effect on people sometimes because of my personality. People think they can tell me stuff and I am too polite not to look like I care which I usually don’t.
But no helium? This is a crisis if you ask me. What would happen if there was no more helium I would like to know. Would we have to settle for balloons that just sort of lay there? How about those funny voices people get when they breathe in helium from balloons? That would be total history.
If this lady is telling the truth and not lying more than usual, then parties are going to be way different in the future. Maybe that smoking guy in the poor country will suddenly get rich because he has hydrogen to blow up balloons and we don’t. That would be really freaky because then we’d have poor people getting rich against God’s plan. Most likely we will bomb that guy and take his helium in the name of this great country which I support all the way, especially with taxes which I got done for seven bucks this year.
So I think we should start saving helium by not having so many balloons and then if we have to we should bomb that guy with the hydrogen. It’s probably the best way to handle it anyway.
This is the best intellectual, philosophical, political blog I have found on the internet.
You have been DUGG.
ThirstyJon
P.S. It is finally time for some intelligent debate and discoursions in this great country before the humanitists-poor people-communists like Hillary or George take us all over for tyranny for themselves.
P.P.S And it is high time we all wake up about Helium and Hydrogen and stopping future Doosinbergs!
Well that’s another thing I am convicted about which is communists. I read somewhere that Vidal Castrol died in Cuba where he was dying up till that moment. Now there’s a guy I suspect has tanks and tanks of hydrogen somewhere. And he smokes cigars too, which if you ask me is a smoking gun about it. But now that he died, nobody knows where those hydrogen tanks are, unless his brother Raymond knows, which he probably doesn’t because he looks kind of like the dumb brother and Castrol would no way tell him. But you just wait. Soon they’ll be floating balloons all over Cuba and there’s not a thing this great country can do about it except maybe try another missile crisis again but do it better than the one we tried before. Maybe this time we could drop a hydrogen bomb on them for irony.
Wow… if this is true, it could change everything. Even pictures of balloons on Birthday wrapping paper would have to be redesigned to show them laying on the ground. And, it would put the mylar people completely out of business.
Shudder.
But then, I look on the bright side. I started hating balloons when my kids started wanting to take them home from Red Robin, then they’d be bouncing around in the car while I was driving, hitting me on the head, and blocking my view. And then they’d pop, and kids would scream, and I would nearly lose control of the car. And they want to ban cell phone use while driving? So, birthday parties would be a bit flatter, but it would make driving a whole lot safer.
I actually had the same conversation about helium with someone about a year ago. In some respects it may not be a bad idea to back off on helium if not for two reasons.
1. Helium balloons always give license to some one to crack one open and do their impersonation of Alvin and the chipmunks.
2. We would never again have to listen and watch as a screaming toddler who’s trip to the state fair has suddenly gone into the gutter reaches helplessly to the sky as their beloved balloon drifts heavenward into the blades of a 737 cruising at 25k feet.