fredzone

An Audio Santa Moment

Fred — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 02:30:01 +0000

Santa is Scary

Fred — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 01:00:49 +0000

I have this opinion on Santa which is that he is pretty much scary. Here’s this guy that nobody really knows who lives with a bunch of midgets at the North Pole and then once a year at night he breaks into everybody’s house and snoops around. He knows everything about you including which websites you go to and how nice you are to those lame poor people with cardboard signs. It’s almost like he’s Google Clause or something. And ff you aren’t meeting up to his standards he leaves you either nothing or a chunk of coal. But nobody talks about the fact that he’s got a bunch of little slaves working for him or that he’s mostly likely the real cause of ice melting up there due to the fact of his factories which probably spew out more toxic waste than China and Hollywood put together.

Which brings up that I saw that movie the Polar Express which was about some kid going on a train to the North Pole. It was a very weird movie due to the fact that it looked almost like an animation. I couldn’t tell for sure. But anyway the whole thing was what you call surreal which mean not real but realer and weird like I already said. And then I once saw this old movie called Miracle on 42nd Street. I thought it would be like a broadway musical but it was just a black and white thing about a little girl who got chummy with some old guy. There is no way a movie like that would pass the censures in this day and age.

About the only movie about Santa that is maybe okay is that one about Rudolf and the Abominational Snowman with the dentist elf. They transfer all the evil to the monster snowman so Santa comes off clean. But the very fact that there is this island for misfit toys which is like Alcatraz shows that there is a dark side to even that Santa too. So personally, I’m not fooled even one bit by that cute old snowman singing “Have a Holly Jolly Christmas” when Santa has a history of toyicide.

So you can teach your little kids about Santa being nice and all, but I’m telling you that he’s got a shady past and some questions to answer if you ask me about it. I think it would be better to make Christmas about the Easter Bunny except that he’s sort of weird too and he’s already got a holiday named after him, but at least a bunny doesn’t have a bunch of slave labors. And don’t even think about using Mary Poppins that I already talked about before and won’t repeat myself by mentioning her again. Besides, we’re probably stuck with Santa no matter which is what the Mafia probably wants.

Getting a Christmas Tree

Fred — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 01:30:47 +0000

I live in Oregon which is the capitol of the world for Christmas trees. There are huge fields of Christmas trees all over the place and I have heard that they send them all over the world even to countries who don’t believe in God like America does. This is probably a CIA thing to infilterize those countries to get them to go shopping like the God-fearing countries do due to the fact that once they start shopping they can’t stop America from sending stuff made in China for them to buy. It’s a pretty good plan if you think about it, but I can’t take it from the bank since I am more into metaphysical issues than clandestinated ones.

When Christmas comes my family likes to get a real one that they make me go find and cut down myself from some field. This is not exactly my favorite thing to do if you want my opinion of it. Mostly it is muddy and raining and cold and you end up trumping all over the field trying to find a tree that will fit into your house, not like the time my wife went to get one when I was in some other country which she did but it was 20 feet tall and had to be chainsawed off at least three times just to get it in our house and then it was still so tall that it fell over and so when I got home and after I yelled a little bit I had to wire that stupid tree up so it wouldn’t kill somebody. I learned my lesson on that, let me tell you, and so I never let my wife pick out the Christmas tree anymore. So that means that I have to go trumping out in the mud my own self and get all dirty and sappy from the trees and end up smelling like a Christmas tree for weeks which may seem like a cool thing to you but you can have it is all I have to say about it.

Anyway, last year I went out with my kid to get a tree since everybody in my house was harping about it. It was raining like crazy like it usually does in Oregon when you have to trump out in the field to cut a tree. So I was driving by this little Christmas tree place in the parking lot just behind the Good Will and I thought to myself that I could pick up a tree lickity split right there and not even get dirty and my wife wouldn’t even know that I didn’t cut it down in some stupid muddy field. But I had my kid with me who has always had a case of terminal honesty mostly due to the fact that we drilled it into him so we’d know when he was doing something he wasn’t supposed to. Some people think that’s a good thing which it is if you’re not the one who did something you weren’t supposed to which goes to show that honesty is only the best policy if you’re the parent.

Well, I told my kid that since this was Oregon all the the trees in the lot were from a muddy field anyway and made him promise not to tell his mom where we got the tree, and in ten minutes I had picked up a tree and was on my way home like nobody’s business except I drove around for about an hour to make it look like I had done the right thing. Everybody seemed to like the tree even if it was a scam I played on them.

Bad Christmas lights

Fred — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 02:00:03 +0000

So I go up on my roof to put up Christmas lights. I am not a Christmas light person, not even one little bit. But the people who live in my house think that Christmas lights are the way to get Christmassy. And since I am not stingy about my life like some people are, I go on the roof to put some up to make everybody in my house happy. Personally I would be satisfied looking out my window at my neighbor’s Christmas lights which at least I can see from my window. But that is not the way to do it I guess. So up on the roof I go.

Well, first I do a strategic thing by testing my strings of lights to see if they work. Out of all of them from the last 15 years, only two work. So I haul those ones up to the roof and start clipping them on my gutters all straight like, which is the only way to honor Christmas. Crooked lights are totally lame. I mean if you’re going to put up Christmas lights at least put them up straight. Otherwise just let your house be boring like the rest of the year.

Anyway, I get the first set up and they work, but then I hook up the second set on the roof and then they don’t all of a sudden. They work before but then they don’t. So there I am up on the roof with a bunch of dead lights. It is no ho ho ho moment, I’m telling you bub. I stand there on my roof and look down on my neighborhood from up there and don’t have even one peace on earth feeling in my body. I’m not proud of it, just telling you. And all because of this tradition that we have to hang Christmas lights on our houses once a year. I’m telling you that this tradition totally unyuled me up there on the roof.

So I end up just keeping the working ones up there and bringing the dead ones down again and throwing them in the corner of my garage where they will probably stay until July when stores try to foist a fake Christmas to have sales with, but that’s not my issue now. Now I’ve got to get a Christmas tree, which is another story I will tell you about next time for sure.

Putting up Christmas Lights

Fred — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 02:10:27 +0000

It takes almost all day to put up Christmas lights on my house. This is not a religion thing for me no way. I have a religion that doesn’t need lights on my house. I already told you about Christmas shopping so I won’t repeat myself again on this issue. But I do the lights because certain people in my house who I won’t say their names think that a house should have lights on it for Christmas. There are some things I can’t do anything about and this is one of them. One other thing is asteroids.

So I dig out our box of totally tangled up lights and take like an hour or more just untangling them up. Then I have to plug them in to see which lights were burned out. I learned this from the year before when I put up a whole bunch of lights on my house and then they didn’t light up. I used some very religious words about that I’m not afraid to tell you. So this year I learned my lesson and checked first. So then I spent the next hour plus pulling out dead lights and putting in new ones. But I was smart about it. I had this brand new string that all the lights worked on. So I used the lights from that new set to replace the burned out ones of my older one. That way I knew for sure that the new lights would work. This takes thinking that some people don’t do when putting up lights because they aren’t smart like I am.

So I take my ladder and climb up to the roof and start hanging lights. That takes about three hours because I have to hang them one up at a time or so. Then I have a bunch of extra light strings and just stick them up all over no matter what. I do not know what they will look like until it is dark and I switch them on. I am sure I will be happy about it, but some others in my house aren’t all that happy with my modern way of doing lights. It looks like that famous artist Picante came over to my house to do my light design. If anybody asks what the deal with my Christmas lights are I tell them that somebody who is modern thinking did them. This is true without lying. They feel like they want somebody modern to do their lights too. That’s just the way it works. I am for sure a trend sitter. After this I have to get a Christmas tree which is a whole other issue waiting to be one. That means another set of lights to string around the tree so armaments can be put on it.

So this is my blog about putting up Christmas lights. I have to admit that this is not much of a megaphysical issue or I would write about that. It is just about putting up Christmas lights pretty much.