Spidercide

I don’t know how this could have happened. After all I’ve been through with the squirrel thing, I can’t believe I let myself get sucked into this.

So there I was getting ready to take my exercise walk so I don’t end up dying of high castrol or suggestive heart failure or something worse when my friend shows up to fix my gutters, which I have to say were not guttering like they were supposed to, and while he’s up on the ladder banging on my gutters with a hammer not even caring about my high castrol levels, I’m sitting there talking to him, mostly because he was my friend up until I committed that horrible act of violence and thought about how he led me to do it. That can change things I tell you.

So there I am, feeling my heart suggesting on me already, and he’s banging on my gutters just talking away about stuff at the same time when I point out to him, friendly like, all the spiders and webs in the bushes around my house. (Listening to somebody banging on your gutters puts a lot of pressure to come up with things to talk about.) Now I’ve got to tell you that I on purpose have left those spiders and their webs alone, mostly because I learned about treating animals with dignity from you know who. And unlike some female women I know I’m not afraid of spiders one bit. I can approach one of them things with confidence that you would be amazed at. Not only that, but the truth is that spiders are pretty good web makers which fact a person should probably appreciate when you take into account that almost no humans can build a house with their bodily fluids, at least one you could invite people over to anyhow.

So I bring this topic of spiders and how they’re everywhere in my bushes just as a passing topic, which like I said is hard when the guy you’re trying to talk to is banging on your gutters. And just like that he says that those spiders I was admiring were going to lay eggs that will kill my arbor vida bushes which just happen to make my privacy private between me and my neighbors, including the one with the dead squirrel issue in his backyard. Then he says that every fall he takes this can of bug spray with a 20-foot range and walks around his yard and blasts his spiders with it. Then he stopped banging on my gutters and made this sound like what a dying spider would make if it made a sound, which it doesn’t. Then without missing a beat he starts banging again on my gutters like he didn’t just tempt me into doing something that would have never entered my mind if he hadn’t talked about my arbor vida bushes and his 20-foot-range can of bug spray.

Well, being up to then a spider admirer, I didn’t have such a weapon such as that. When I have to kill one because its threatening one of the female women in my house I use a Kleenex because I don’t need to stand 20 feet away from something I’m not afraid of one bit I hope you know. So I’m now thinking that these spiders which I’ve left alone because at least I’m a mostly tolerant person (except for the toilet paper exception), I’m thinking they’re going to kill my arbor vida if I don’t kill them first. So now it’s dog eat dog instead of tolerance and I rack my brain on how to off those spiders on my bushes.

Now even though I’m not afraid of spiders one bit, I don’t want to tempt fate, mostly because these spiders in my bushes are a lot bigger than the ones I’ve saved my female women from, so I don’t use a Kleenex. What I do is go get my Bic lighter which I use to start my charcoal grill, which I have to say is the only way to grill not those fake gas ones so many lazy people use because they’re too lazy to use charcoal. But let me tell you, if you’re using gas why don’t you just use your stove inside. Don’t even pretend you’re grilling because you’re not. You’re faking. I don’t even want to get into this issue now because this is about how the guy who used to be my friend tempted me into doing something violent that I hadn’t even considered about before he said it, which is the definition of temptation if you want to know about it.

So I bring out my Bic and go to the first spider web with a spider in the middle of it and pull the trigger and hold it right under the spider. Well, as you would know, the spider felt that hot fire and tried like crazy to get away. Did I just give it a warning? You bet I didn’t. I followed that spider with my Bic until it sizzled and dropped pretty much dead off the web. I watched it on the ground curling around freaky like for a minute until I pulled the trigger once more and put that spider out of its misery. Without a moment of waiting I moved to the next spider web with a spider in the middle of it and did the same thing. Sizzle. Pop. Fall. Mercy burn. Over and over it did it at least seven or eight times until I had insinnerated every spider I could see. By the time I was done there were a whole bunch of dead spiders in my bushes let me tell you. My arbor vidas were safe from them now and I put my Bic away again until I needed to start up my charcoal grill (which, as I said, is not like those fake gas grills which are fakes totally).

So my former friend still banging banging banging says, “You’re burning them?” like I was some monster or cereal killer or something. I looked right back at that guy like he was trying to look innocent after tempting me to do such violence in the first place, which is what tempters do if you want to know. And I didn’t say anything because I had burned those spiders. So basically my former friend was stating the obvious and seemed to take a lot of pleasure doing it too, probably because he could think of his own method of spider killing with the 20-foot range can as nicer or something. Well, let me tell you, that just about made me ask him questions about his motivations, but I didn’t because he had a hammer that he obviously liked to use a lot, maybe more than normal, if you get my meaning, so I just took my Bic back inside without commenting on his totally fake innocence and came outside to pretend to be interested in the gutters, which I wasn’t even one bit, but I didn’t say that either because now I had dead spiders to think about.

I can’t believe I fell for that old trick—the bang on somebody’s gutters until they can’t think straight and bring up the topic of spider eggs and dead arbor vida trick. How can I be responsible for that? I was taken advantage of for sure, but do you think that will make any difference to the spider population which is smaller now because of my friend’s temptation of me? I doubt it for sure. How convenient for my former friend that he stopped banging about that time and took his hammer and went home, leaving me there with a bunch of dead spiders.

You would think I’d learned from the squirrel incident, which I did about treating dead squirrels with dignity. But the big difference is that I didn’t kill the squirrel; a cat did. But there is no way around the fact that though my former friend tempted me in the first place about something that never entered my mind until he did it, that it was my Bic that did it. And despite the fact that it was just a little bit fun to torch those spiders, the point is that I wouldn’t have had that enjoyment if my former you-know-who had not brought the subject up in the first place.

Now I’m dealing with guilt again, but this time about spiders. There is no way I’m going to write a eulogy for a spider. Squirrels are one thing. But I read Charlotte’s Web and know that there are some spiders who are smart and dangerous and maybe they communicate with each other like the squirrels do. But let this be a warning to all those spiders out there who might be thinking about revenge: Don’t even think about it. I’ve got more Bic lighters where that one came from and I’m not afraid to use them. So keep your distance from my arbor vida or there’s going to be mass spidercide.  A spider can push a guy only so far before he snaps and grabs the Bic lighter. So just keep that in mind.

As for my gutter banging former friend who tempted me into this in the first place, well he can just go on living his life as if he wasn’t responsible for that violent act, which he is totally. I won’t even bring it up when I see him pretending to be innocent. God knows and will deal with him in his own sweet time. That’s not even to mention my high castrol levels which he didn’t care about either.

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