Buffness

I am no spring chicken as they say. Except I don’t even know what that’s supposed to mean anyway. What does a spring chicken have to do with anything? And is spring the best season for chickens? I don’t have any idea for sure. You can look it up if you want to, but not me.

So basically I have been going to a health club because I probably look like a chicken from another season. How should I know? But anyway I have a membership so I can go there and work out to stay healthy and buff.

There are lots of options at this health club like running on treadmills while watching Oprah on television or doing weird things with big rubber balls to disco music in a group of old ladies or sitting naked with old guys in the steam room trying to look everywhere but at them while your personal property is there for everybody to see and being thankful if the steam is really thick so they can’t very well or lifting heavy weights with these pumped dudes who look at you like you’re in the wrong place buddy because of a lack of hugeness or go to the sissy weight machines and pump five pounds and try to be macho which is what I do.

But here’s the deal. Even doing the sissy weights has made me pretty buff for a chicken let me tell you. My arms and pectins are buffing up and my stomach muscles are getting what they call a six pack which is weird since that also sounds like beer and guys who drink six packs are very not buff in the gut area if you know what I mean about it.

And by the way, since I got run over by an SUV driven by an old pastor when I was doing my power walk thing, I bought I new rain proof jogging suit that’s like almost a glow in the dark neon green that gives me a headache just to look at it but now at least old pastors might be able to see me and not run over me which is what happened before. I wore it today and I could tell people were noticing because of all the looks I got from drivers going by. Some of them must have liked my suit because they seemed to be smiling a lot.  And these two guys in a pickup must have really liked it because they were laughing their heads off. Anyway, I’m telling you that this buffness I’m getting is getting noticed by people.

So now when I get out of the shower in the morning I look in the mirror and appreciate my buffness.  But I’m not going to parade it around like some two bit horse as they say. Not even in the steam room at the club which gives me the weirds for sure but that’s a problem in steam rooms with other naked guys in there. So I always look first to see if it’s empty before I go walking in there parading my personal buffness like nobody’s business. Even if nobody else is in there I have problems sitting on those wood benches where somebody has plopped their open butt before I got there. I always try to find the most uncomfortable spot figuring that nobody else would want to sit there but you never know about some people. When I sit down I kind of scrunch my buns together to minimize the surface area and keep as much of my personal effects off that steamed up wood as I can. But a person can only do that so long before the steam makes you relax and spread yourself out no matter what. But after I’m totally steamed up you can bet that I take a long shower to reclaim back my sanctity.

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