Running out of helium

balloon.jpgThe other day I went into a party store to buy some helium balloons with helium in them. I wanted those balloons to float and I know that they don’t use hydrogen anymore because of that Doosinberg fiasco awhile back. As everybody knows hydrogen is very fiery if you light it. This is why nobody uses it for party balloons except in poor countries where they don’t have the advantages we have in this great country. When they need to buy party balloons in those poor countries like you see on TV they probably have to go to some guy with these tall tanks of hydrogen he probably stole from somebody like they steal electricity or movies and resell them for cheap. So there’s this guy smoking and selling hydrogen to little kids who want party balloons. These people are just plain crazy if you ask me. I would tell that guy, “Hey put out that cigarette you idiot! What do you want to do blow us up like that Doosinberg or what?” But he would probably just shrug and sell me a couple of balloons anyway which I’d probably buy because they were really cheap. That’s probably the risk you take in those poor countries like that and so I guess it’s okay for them but not in a great country like this one.

So I went into this party shop to buy a couple of helium balloons for somebody’s birthday. And I was paying way too much for them for sure, not like those hydrogen balloons I would probably buy if I was in a poor country even from a guy who was smoking. Anyway, the person who was selling me those balloons said something that kind of weirded me out. She said they were running out of helium. And I thought that she meant their store was but she didn’t mean that. She said that everybody was running out of helium. I’m not kidding. This is the truth as much as religion is which is not something I like to be interrupted by. And I said, “What?” And she told me that the helium suppliers were not taking any new customers because they were running out of helium. I and said something like “Are you kidding?” or maybe it was “You’ve got to be kidding.” It’s pretty much the same thing in meaning except one is a question and the other is a kind of statement. Anyway, she said that it was true. We’re running out of helium.

That freaked me out. I thought helium was in the air. I even thought that there was more helium in the universe than anything except for hydrogen and Coke products. So what did she mean by that? I think she may have let this secret information just slip out on me. I have that effect on people sometimes because of my personality. People think they can tell me stuff and I am too polite not to look like I care which I usually don’t.

But no helium? This is a crisis if you ask me. What would happen if there was no more helium I would like to know. Would we have to settle for balloons that just sort of lay there? How about those funny voices people get when they breathe in helium from balloons? That would be total history.

If this lady is telling the truth and not lying more than usual, then parties are going to be way different in the future. Maybe that smoking guy in the poor country will suddenly get rich because he has hydrogen to blow up balloons and we don’t. That would be really freaky because then we’d have poor people getting rich against God’s plan. Most likely we will bomb that guy and take his hydrogen in the name of this great country which I support all the way, especially with taxes which I got done for seven bucks this year.

So I think we should start saving helium by not having so many balloons and then if we have to we should bomb that guy with the hydrogen. It’s probably the best way to handle it anyway.

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