Meditation

candlepose

I tried meditating for a couple of times mostly because I wanted to be spiritual and cool at the same time. That was the problem with religion, it was hard to be cool at it, especially religion where you have to be humble and junk like that. So I came across this India meditation guy in Oprah magazine and thought I would give it a shot. I don’t want you to think I’m into Oprah but her magazine was on the floor at a rest stop toilet in Montana and I picked it up before I had a chance to think about germs. By then I figured I might as well read it since I was going to be there for awhile.

Anyway, this India guy was an expert in meditating which is like church except without the sermon and offering which is okay by me. He was called a grue or something, which is what those experts in meditation like to call themselves. In the magazine he said that a person had to slow down breathing and focus on chalk. That was a little weird I thought, but, hey, why not give it a shot.  So after I got home (I left the magazine at the rest stop for sure) I decided to try the whole meditating thing.

I found an old bathrobe of my wife’s and put it on. It was sort of pinkish and kind of small but I figured it would be okay for the first try. Then I sat on the floor and crossed my legs like you’re suppose to. I concentrated on slowing my breathing until I almost passed out which is kind of spiritual of itself. After that I thought of chalk for as long as I could. Now according to the India guy I was supposed to get nervana or something. But since I’ve never had nervana I didn’t know if I got it or not.

Well, that was pretty much it since my legs started hurting and I kind of liked breathing normal. I threw that robe away, mostly due to the fact that I felt like a sissy wearing it. I racked up the meditating thing as one of those things.

Since then I haven’t tried meditating even once, unless you count the time I was at the dentist inhaling nervous oxide. I had some visions there, but the guy had his arms in my mouth which sort of took the spiritualism vibe out.

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