America

1776 is a day everybody should know about in this great country. It is the day a bunch of guys decided to start a new country called the United States of America. They were called founding fathers back then, probably because they all had kids. It might have been a requirement to be one but I haven’t looked that up in Wikipedia to make sure.

In the old days starting a new country wasn’t as easy as it is now, let me tell you. The first strike they had against them was the fact that a lot of them wore white puffy wigs and tights. It’s hard to take somebody serious when they look like that and for sure that King of Georgia didn’t. He probably thought that they were a bunch of sissies and figured he could nip this thing in the tub.

Another strike against the founding fathers was that they all had other jobs and it was hard to schedule congress meetings. Take Ben Franklin for instance as an example. He had a print shop and was busy inventing electricity. Thomas Jefferson started a university somewhere in California I think and spent a lot of time building cellos. He was so busy he had to write the Declaration of Independence on an envelope on his way to one meeting. George Washington didn’t have a real job and wasn’t all that good at anything so he decided to be president. All the other founding fathers were pretty busy too. The only way they could get people to show up for meetings was to offer a free continental breakfast like at hotels which is most likely how that congress got its name I think.

But probably the biggest strike was that in order to start a new country they had to have a war first. They were smart enough to know that unless you have a war nobody will believe that you really have a country going. Organizing that war took a lot of time and money. First they had to decide who the war was going to be against. They first wanted to fight the Canadians due to the fact that they probably could have finished it in a few days or so, but the Canadians weren’t a real country yet (they are still a subdivision of England) and you can’t start a resolution unless you fight another actual country. Besides, Canada had a lot of French guys living there and those French guys liked wearing wigs and tights so it would have been hard to pick a fight since they admired how some of our founding fathers dressed. So our guys ended up choosing England to have a war with. Since England spoke American it was a lot easier to call them names and make them mad.

Well, once the war got going things went pretty well. England put up a good fight but lost a lot of battles because they stopped fighting around 4:00PM for tea no matter what. Even though some Americans wore tights, they all thought that tea was for sissies and used the tea break to wash their clothes and set up fireworks stands. They made so much money from selling fireworks that England pretty much gave up and went home. It was kind of disappointing to the Americans since they had worked so hard to have a good war, but they were at least able to turn the fireworks thing into a long-term business.

Anyway, after the war the founding fathers signed a lease for a new country and it became the histerical event America celebrates a couple of times every year. It caught on so much that even the Mexicans decided to have one called Sink o’ Mayo, but that’s pretty much a lame holiday due to the fact that Mexico lost all their wars nobody wanted Mexico anyway and so they ended up being a country only because they invented tacos. So as it sits, America is the only real country in North America which is also why it’s called North America instead of North Canada or North Mexico.

uncle-sam

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