Great first lines for novels I wrote

If you have been following this great blog you will know that I have many things I am good at. I am for sure really good at thinking above my mind but I can do lots of other things too. I am what you call multidemential. For instance as an example, I wrote a bunch of lyrics to songs that haven’t been written yet. I made a blog about that which you should know if you’ve been paying attention. And if anybody used my lyrics to pirate into their own song without my knowing about it, then you are going against the pelagian laws of this great country. The safest thing is to send me money before I get winded by it and have to sue you for bigamy.

Anyway, like I just said before I interrupted myself, even though thinking above my mind is my main job, I have hobbies on my off time. Like squirrel watching for one thing. Or collecting things that rhyme with Fred and are smaller than a lawn mower. But these are what you might call accentricities of a megaphysical nature and not what a normal person would most likely do.

One other thing I do when I’m not above my mind is to write great first lines to novels that aren’t written yet either. You always hear about famous first lines of books. There’s that one about a white whale that goes “Call me or email.” Or that chick lit book that starts “In a true universe a possessed man wants a wife instead of a fortune.” My favorite is the start of the bible which starts out by saying “In the beginning” which is totally obvious except for the fact that there’s usually a tablet of contents before that even. That’s irony if you ask me about it.

Anyway, those writers aren’t the only person who can write famous first lines of books. And as I was saying before repeating myself, I do that on my off days. The fact of the manner is that I have a bunch of first lines that would make really famous books if somebody really good with extra time on their hands would sit down and write them. I can’t take time off from megaphysicality for that kind of thing mostly due to the fact that I have an obligation to society.

Anyway, here’s a list of some of my really good first lines of novels that I don’t have a novel for. And the same rule goes for here as for my song lyrics which is that if you write a novel from my first lines you owe me money for sure. Well, here they are:

The phone rang and rang and rang, but nobody answered because it was a wrong number.

He stared at the sky like it was an accident or something worse.

“I take a size five,” she yelled daintily over the roar of the exploding building.

When a man is on the run he doesn’t have time for those giant pretzels with mustard.

They all knew that the man’s offer of sardines wasn’t sincere.

The sun came up just like it always did except a week early.

Only the animals in the zoo noticed that Frank and Jennifer weren’t wearing any clothes.  (This is for one of those sexy romance books.)

The old woman had been missing since 1973, but then, to be fair, lots of other things had been missing since then too.

The loudspeaker didn’t work which was good since it was a library.

Somehow he knew that the voices in his head could never take her place.

It was totally random, but chance, she knew, had nothing to do with it.

“You think you’re man enough?” he taunted, flashing the tweezers.

Maybe the police knew, or maybe they didn’t, but one thing was for sure—nobody would be ordering the pasta again anytime soon.

____

Well, I’ve got a bunch of other ones too, but this should give you an idea of how much money I could make off the book game if I sold out.

chimp_at_typewriter

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One Response

  1. Some very promising openings indeed!

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