Theology in some nutshells

As you would know if you have been following this great blog, I do not like to be interrupted by religion. This is a megaphysical blog which deals with the concepts I have above my mind and not about lower reality or beliefs. But I decided that theology is okay because it’s not about God but mostly about thinking about God which is totally different. The fact of the manner is that most theologicians don’t like to be interrupted by religion or God either due to the fact that they would most likely have to change their minds about everything which is not in their job description.

A good place to start is what theology means. It is a word made up by sticking two other words together. The first word is theo which is the old name for God. In the ancient days each country had its own god and they called him by his first name. Only later in Middle Earth times did people start using Mister in front of god’s last name to show respect. (That’s why Christians call their god Jesus Christ or Mr. Christ for short.) Anyway, in the old days they were very casual about life which is why they walked around in bathrobes most of the time. So they just called their god Theo. That’s where the first part of theology came from.

The second word is logy. This is a funny sounding word all by itself. It sounds kind of like loogie which is a big wad of spit mixed in with snot. But this is not what it means. Logy means talking. Back then people loved to talk all the time. They would say to each other “hey let’s go out for a beer and some logy.” When a bunch of them got together to do that it was called a lorgy. We don’t have those today due to to safety standards which makes them illegal, but back then they weren’t developed enough to have social diseases like today. They had to get diseases one person at a time.

So when you put theo and logy together you end up with theology which is talking about God. And as I said before so as not to repeat myself, talking about God is way different than religion which I won’t be interrupted with one bit. And it is important to know that theology has nothing to do with the meaning of life which I have already talked about so don’t get the two conflagrated.

Theologists in America divide up theology into nine parts. This is due to the fact that you can only cover one at a time or you’ll end up with a theolorgy which as I said before is illegal in America except for maybe in Nevada but I haven’t checked that out. You can look it up on Widipedia if you want to find out for yourself. Anyway, here are the nine parts of theology:

  1. Bibliolatry—which is worshiping the Bible as the book God wrote by his own self. Most people who do this only worship those leather cover ones probably because the fake leather ones and the paperbacks are too cheap to take seriously.
  2. The Doctrine of God—which is telling God who he is. This is the funnest part of theology mostly because God has multiple-personality issues and is easy to push around.
  3. The Doctrine of Christ—which is trying to figure out how God got himself all mixed up with humanness. This could have something to do with his identity issues but anyway it’s mostly talking about how Jesus couldn’t make up his mind about what he wanted to be when he grew up.
  4. The Doctrine of Salvation—which is how people get into heaven instead of getting thrown into hell. This isn’t so important anymore since God shut down hell as being cruel and unusual punishment. The upshot is that nobody has to worry about being saved these days due to the fact of enlightenment.
  5. The Doctrine of Man—which is about how men are better than women. This is usually obvious in real life, but it’s still nice to know that it’s backed up by God.
  6. The Doctrine of the Holy Spirit—which is about the third guy of God. He joined the team in the New Testament which forced theologists to up the number of God to three. This part of theology is to figure out why God would want to hire somebody else when he and Jesus could have easily just done the job themselves.
  7. The Doctrine of the Church—which is about why anybody would want to get up Sunday morning to go to church. This is probably the most boring of the parts and most theologists have moved on due to the fact that everybody already knew how boring church was.
  8. The Doctrine of Angels and Demons—which is about angels and demons. This part makes the best movies. But the sad fact of the manner is that good angels are really boring due to the fact that they are good. The demons are the cool guys and get all the neat stuff to do. Angels have to obey God and always wear white. Demons get to wear whatever they want and don’t have to do what God says. This is written into their contract. Angels are usually half jealous of demons but won’t admit it for job security reasons.
  9. The Doctrine of the Last Things—which is about the end of the world and what comes after that. Theologists have a lot of fun with this due to the fact that they can pretty much make up stuff like dragons and lakes of fire and earthquakes. Some of them even use the Bible to support their ideas but that’s usually optional. Mostly the end times is free game for shooting.

So that’s pretty much it for theology. I was thinking that they need to add a doctrine about sex but it’s probably not a good idea to leave sex in the hands of religious people since they are known for not doing it unless they have to.


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