Presidents Day

It’s supposed to be President’s day which, let me tell you, is totally not about presidents even one bit. Nobody even really knows what presidents we’re talking about, like of this great country or just of some social group like the Rosary Club or Vertebrate Society. It is a problem of monological portions if you want my opinion on it, especially in this great country which totally comes from its history.

All I see everywhere is a reason for kids not to have school and for mailmen to stay in bed instead of delivering junk mail like patriots are supposed to. But do you think they just lay around and think about our presidents? You bet they don’t. They sit at home playing all those lame visual games on iBox or they waste all day long on Fastbook (which I have heard isn’t even a real book but is total fake). These lame things have nothing to do with how this great county got to be the greatest country in the world in the first place. Well, I can tell you that the U.S.A. didn’t get to be the best selling country in the world by getting off of school even one little bit. So I don’t know why they cancel school when they should be teaching kids about democracy and capitalization. No wonder the Canadians think they’re so great. It’s due to the fact that American kids don’t even know how to put Canada in its place anymore like in the old days. Now even China and California think they’re as good as America. I’m telling you, what this country needs is to remember what President’s Day is all about.

When I was a kid, there was no such thing as stupid President’s Day. We had separate birthdays for George Washington and Abe Lincoln with no days off from school at all. But due to the fact that government workers wanted to have a long weekend, they hired people to stand in the lobby of Congress to pay off our elected officials so they would vote for some stupid President’s Day. I am not against paying off elected officials. This is demography at work and has always been a part of the history of this great country. What I’m against is that they would smash two presidents’ birthdays together into one day that isn’t the birthday of anybody who was a president in the first place. How lame can you get? Not much, I say. Besides, now every president can throw their birthday into the mix and we have to put up with it, even super lame presidents like Coolridge and that one guy nobody remembers.

And to add incest to injury, nobody even pays attention to Presidents Day anyway except as an excuse to not go to work and to have sales everywhere. This is a slam right in the kisser of the Opal Office. Politics is about paying politicians off for the full price, not for some half-off deal.

I say let’s give Washington and Lincoln back their real birthdays and name Presidents Day something else to keep Americans from getting confused. Maybe call it Congress Day which would be more in line with not doing any work. Or you could call it 50% off day and have it go for 12 hours instead of 24 like the other days (except for leap day which is four years long due to a mistake in the universe). These are only suggestions. No matter what, you’d have to send any changes to the post office to get their okay on it. After the Civil War the Unions won control of everything.

So if you are a good American (or a Canadian who is secretly jealous of this great country and would be an American except for an accident of geology), make sure you spend some time being thankful about presidents. Not all of them. There are some real losers, but just the good ones, which there are only about three of, or maybe a couple.

Just don’t check your mailbox due to the fact that you’ll be disappointed because the post office is going to be sluffing off.

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