Santa is Scary

evil-santaI have this opinion on Santa which is that he is pretty much scary. Here’s this guy that nobody really knows who lives with a bunch of midgets at the North Pole and then once a year at night he breaks into everybody’s house and snoops around. He knows everything about you including which websites you go to and how nice you are to those lame poor people with cardboard signs. It’s almost like he’s Google Clause or something. And if you aren’t meeting up to his standards he leaves you either nothing or a chunk of coal. But nobody talks about the fact that he’s got a bunch of little slaves working for him or that he’s mostly likely the real cause of ice melting up there due to the fact of his factories which probably spew out more toxic waste than China and Hollywood put together.

Which brings up that I saw that movie the Polar Express which was about some kid going on a train to the North Pole. It was a very weird movie due to the fact that it looked almost like an animation. I couldn’t tell for sure. But anyway the whole thing was what you call surreal which mean not real but realer and weird like I already said. And then I once saw this old movie called Miracle on 42nd Street. I thought it would be like a broadway musical but it was just a black and white thing about a little girl who got chummy with some old guy. There is no way a movie like that would pass the censures in this day and age.

santaAbout the only movie about Santa that is maybe okay is that one about Rudolf and the Abdominal Snowman with the dentist elf. They transfer all the evil to the monster snowman so Santa comes off clean. But the very fact that there is this island for misfit toys which is like Alcatraz shows that there is a dark side to even that Santa too. So personally, I’m not fooled even one bit by that cute old snowman singing “Have a Holly Jolly Christmas” when Santa has a history of toycide.

So you can teach your little kids about Santa being nice and all, but I’m telling you that he’s got a shady past and some questions to answer if you ask me about it. I think it would be better to make Christmas about the Easter Bunny except that he’s sort of weird too and he’s already got a holiday named after him, but at least a bunny doesn’t have a bunch of slave labors. And don’t even think about using Mary Poppins that I already talked about before and won’t repeat myself by mentioning her again. Besides, we’re probably stuck with Santa no matter which is what the Mafia probably wants.

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