Night of the Living Bladder

I have this issue with having to pee at night. No matter what, I end up having to get up at least two or three times in the middle of the night to pee. Lots of people laugh and call it the old fart’s problem but except for when I have beans or broccoli for supper, I don’t usually have a gas issue, which is good due to the fact that having gas in bed is a really bad thing, mostly due to the covers which trap all that gas, so instead of the gas safely dissipating, the only way out is right past your head which just happens to be where your nose is. That is not exactly what you call a restful situation, let me tell you. And if a person smoked in bed like in the old days before it became ostrichized, you could have a major explosion on your hands.

Anyway, I heard this joke that Billy Crystal told once. He said that he could tell he was getting older because he had started to pee in Morse code—di di da da di da da. I thought that was really funny at the time due to the fact that I was younger and still peeing nonstop. But now I know what he’s talking about. Not only does my bladder keep filling up all night long, but when I finally stubble to the bathroom I end up standing at the toilet for like two or three hours just to get it all out. It takes so long that I started trying to figure out what message my own pee was making in Morse code just to pass the time. So I taped a little Morse code paper on the top of my toilet so I could look at it when I was peeing.

Take last night for instance as an example. On my second trip I listened really close and checked it on the paper. The grouping is kind of up for grabs but I did the best I could and came up with this: “feh-blwet-cah-zoodt.” (I thought it was kind of ironic that there wasn’t a single “p” in it.) Figuring out the code came at the end of the job and I was pretty tired at that point, so it’s possible that I didn’t get it all right. Mostly I just wanted to get back to bed as soon as I could. I did have one more trip to the bathroom after that but by then it just sounded all splashed together. But when I was back in bed I wondered if maybe there was a secret message my bladder was trying to tell me. I read once that the Droods from way along time ago in England used to look at the insides of birds to tell the future. So if maybe a person believed in organical religion (like my wife except for the religion part) maybe he could tell the future by peeing. I wouldn’t know. But since I don’t like to be interrupted by religion on this great blog I will leave that up to somebody else to figure out.

maxresdefaultAnd another problem that just came up with my interrupted peeing problem is now everybody is supposed to use the same pubic bathrooms. It doesn’t matter if you’re a man or woman or one of those translation people like Butch Cassidy or pretty much anybody on Broadway. I am not knocking genderness issues, and as long as there’s a thick sound-proof wall with a separate locked door between me and somebody else, they can be Willy Wonka or Puss in Boots for all I care. But I don’t want to be peeing out messages for some stranger to hear and figure out, especially if they’re a terrorist from Pakistan or Canada planning to use that information to blow up a Chick-fil-A. I can barely pee already and the added pressure of national security would probably close off the faucet totally. So I say we play it safe and let people pee together in private with people who have sex the same way like it was in the bible—the ones who have to aim before pulling the trigger and the ones who can just let her rip. The rifle versus the shotgun so to speak.

There are other things that happen to you when you get older, not just the peeing in the night issue. One is that a guy can get what they call male patented baldness. It’s what guys get instead of menopause which was invented for women to get when they get older. It should be called womenopause but it was probably shortened to fit in the dictionary better. When you get older you also need reading glasses too. Reading glasses are a sure sign that somebody has hit the middle ages. The pee thing isn’t something you’d probably find out about in normal circumstances, but if somebody is wearing reading glasses there’s a good chance that they have the pee issue too. But it’s probably not a good idea to ask them about it, especially if it’s a woman with the menopause thing kicked in.

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